They Don't Call Her Fifi Box for Nothing...

The Guy Who Turns Out To Be the Movie Star In the End

After mentioning Luke in my previous post, I felt I should also talk about how we're heading off tonight to a screening of his feature film debut, Broken Hill. You can see the trailer for it at Trailer Addict, where he's totally making out with a Spy Kid.

This is after having seen him on Rescue Special Ops last night where, weirdly enough, he played a nice guy who turned out to be a stalker in the end (if you missed it, he's told me that he'll back for the season finale).

I'm getting the increasing feeling that if I'd listened to that agent I'd be rolling in Surprise Rapist cash right now.

Being Brian Posehn

Being a bespectacled gentleman, I have at times been compared to some fairly unflattering public personalities. I won’t go through the list, but you can rest assured that, having worn glasses since the age of 8, I have more than once been referred to as ‘Urkle’.

Now, I’ve learnt the lesson of talking too much about workmates on this blog, so I want to preface this little ditty by saying that I’m quite friendly with the person who made this comment and that, if she were to read this post, I’d hope she'd know it was all written in playful jest.

That disclaimer made, allow me to tell you of what would have to be one of the worst people I’ve ever been compared to.

Brian Posehn. I was compared to Brian Posehn. I was told I reminded someone of Brian. Poshen.

That name might not mean much to you. In fact, I practically guarantee it won’t. But if you’ve ever seen an episode Just Shoot Me or The Sarah Silverman Programme, you’ve seen Brian’s work.

Brian played uber-nerd Kevin on Just Shoot Me. This was the guy who was so weird and socially-retarded that even David Spade’s character felt like he could lord it over him. David effing Spade!.

Brian Posehn plays also Sarah Silverman’s neighbour in The Sarah Silverman Programme. The joke is he’s a big fat videogame-playing geek who also happens to be in a gay relationship with his roommate. Their catchphrase is a deadpanned “I’m so gay for you, dude.”

This is Brian Posehn.

This is Brian Posehn.


This. Is Brian Posehn.




This is the guy I was told I reminded someone of. It wasn’t said maliciously, it wasn’t said with the intention to hurt. In fact, the person saying it didn’t see why I was so shocked and embarrassed to hear such a thing. But honestly, that’s like being told you’re John Candy, or Rosanne Bar, or George Costanza. That’s just not good cricket.

So of course I became immediately paranoid about it. I sucked in my stomach all day and tried not to say anything in a dry baritone fraught with voice-breaking anxiety. I tried not to be a Frankenstein-style grotesque of comedic proportions. I tried to regrow any missing hairs on the top of my head.

I can only hope I succeeded.

Though out of all the things I’ve been called in my life, I still think “Brian Posehn” only rates as the second worst. Everyone has a toolbox full of prepared anecdotes for when they’re at a dinner party or similar social function and they need a frothy piece of personal history to fill in the space where only blank stares and awkward shuffling would otherwise go.

I often relate to people – more often than I probably should – the time I went with Luke to a short film festival in Brisbane. The entries were being projected onto a screen in the middle of a South Bank thoroughfare. People were crowded in the square, the majority of us sitting on the cold concrete.

We’re watching the short films, and every now and then this middle-aged woman would turn around and stare at us. Usually that would be a bit odd but when you’re hanging out with Luke you tend to expect it.

Anyway, we get to the portion of the evening where the judges are working out what the best film is, and the audience is using this as a bit of an intermission.

The middle-aged woman takes this opportunity to turn around and introduce herself. She says she’s a film-and-TV agent, and proceeds to gush over Luke, saying she could tell (upon his confirmation) that he was an actor, and that she could get him all kinds of work as a leading man, a model, etc, etc.

Perhaps feeling as if she was leaving me out of this conversation, the agent lady turns to me and says;

“Oh, not that I don’t think I couldn’t get you work as well. I could very easily see you as the best friend character, or the nice guy who turns out to be the rapist in the end.”

…

“The nice guy who turns out to be the rapist in the end.”

Thank you very much and goodnight, ladies and gentlemen!

Of course, it was thanks to that I started noticing just how many characters there were in films and on TV who were nice guys who turned out to be rapists in the end. I get the feeling that maybe I should have taken this agent up on her offer.

“Yes! Please! Cast me as the sweet, poor-sighted best friend of the girl who turns out to have been murdering her puppies and all her school chums in an elaborate ploy to sexually violate her by the end of the three-act structure!”

Surely, if I had, not only would I be rolling in vast mountains of cash, but people would be telling Brian Posehn that I remind them of him, and not the other way around!

Somebody Get Me a Stake, Part Two

...or "Marketing: An Idiot's Guide".

Step 1) Take a vaguely edgy photo of Angelina Jolie. Make sure to hint at that whole "she likes to fuck with knives / she's into weird blood stuff". Avoid allusions to her having sex with her brother, unless you want to be Jon Voighted.

Step 2) Apply Step 1 to teaser poster for upcoming horror comedy film, substituting Angelina Jolie for Angelina Jolie Jr (aka Megan Fox).

Step 3) Apply Step 2 to teaser artwork for HBO horror comedy drama, substituting Megan Fox for anonymous model / possibly (but doubtfully) Anna Paquin.

Congratulations. You are now a marketing genius. The end.

On a side note, Simone and I just finished watching the first season of True Blood. It was awesome. Bill Compton is just like Edward Cullen. Only he's not an over-domineering douche bag. And there's not a vampire academy in sight!

Top 5 Girly Men of Rock

And the Top 5 lists just keep on coming!

5. Frank N. Furter

He may be a fictional character, but there’s no denying the fact that Frank N. Furter has been hugely influential in pop culture. I mean, Hedwig (of Angry Inch fame) is totally riddled with Frank N. Furter’s DNA.

…

…no, that’s not how I meant it. You pervert.

Also, we’ll ignore the fact that The Rocky Horror Picture Show gives me the screaming shits.



4. Brian Molko

The first time I saw Pure Morning by Placebo, I couldn’t tell if Brian Molko was a boy, a girl, or a genetically-engineered neohuman.

Over ten years later and I’m still not sure.



3. Robert Smith

I like Robert Smith. I’m a fan of Robert Smith. But even I want to bitch slap Robert Smith. Suck it up, man! You’re 50 years old, for God’s sake! Put. The eyeliner. Down.



2. Freddie Mercury

I’m still waiting on that Freddie Mercury biopic to happen. His story has everything. Tragedy! Triumph! Moustaches!



1. David Bowie

Major Tom. Ziggy Stardust. The Thin White Duke. David Bowie is all these things and more. He’s an artist, a visionary – some might even say a genius. Dude’s also been married to Iman since 1992. That’s pretty awesome. But most of all, David Bowie is Jareth the Goblin King. And nobody’s cooler than Jareth the Goblin King.



I would post a clip from Venture Bros where David Bowie is depicted as the shape-shifting head of a secret supervillain society, but it’s nowhere to be found on Youtube! So in lieu of that, here’s a clip I pulled up at random.



By the way, if anyone knows what video Bowie released a few years ago where he’s standing in front of a mirror as an old man looking at a reflection of his younger self, for the love of God let me know what it is! I’ve been looking for it for ages and still can’t find it!

‘Til next time…

Further Proof There's a Microchip in My Brain...

I just remembered the time I woke up a couple of months ago with Jimmy by MIA stuck in my head, after having not heard it for weeks, only to turn on the TV and find it RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF BEING PLAYED ON RAGE. Which is really weird, because that video is over two years old and if they're going to play anything it's going to be Paper Planes.

It's proof, I tell you! PROOF!

Frank Darabont Is Stealing My Ideas!

A while ago, I was idly coming up with ideas for TV shows - it's something I have a habit of doing whenever I'm on one of my country trips (that's not some kind of drug metaphor. I mean, whenever I've driven out to the country for my job).

Aaaaaanyway, just as I'd thought a free-roaming zombie video game ala Grand Theft Auto would be cool, I also thought a HBO/Showtime TV series about a group of survivors in a zombie-infested world would be pretty cool. Then I found out about The Walking Dead, which is pretty much that idea except in comic book form.

Well, I figured, if they can adapt Dexter from novel to top-rating TV show, and make changes as they please, why couldn't they do the same with this? So I put my The Walking Dead-as-TV-series into my Good-Ideas-That-Will-Never-Happen pile and left if at that.

And then today, I find this on Chud.com;

Frank Darabont is close to finalizing a development deal with AMC to write and direct a tv series adaptation of The Walking Dead [...] Joel Stillerman, AMC's head of programming, production and original content says that "The series will stay faithful to the tone of the original novels. This is not about zombies popping out of closets,this is a story about survival, and the dynamics of what happens when a group is forced to survive under these circumstances. The world (in 'Walking Dead') is portrayed in a smart, sophisticated way."

Next thing you know HBO will be announcing a Batman TV series. And I'll have to start checking for microchips in my brain.

Top 5 Women of Rock

5. Sioxsie Sioux

So we have her to blame for all the emo punks sitting on the front steps of Flinders Street station. Seems like a fair trade. Just.



4. Shirley Manson

Forget the fact that these days she’s a Terminatrix camouflaged as a urinal. That doesn’t stop her from being awesomeness personified. In fact, it might even add to it.



3. PJ Harvey

I remember her being at Big Day Out about ten years ago and Jabba from Channel V was trying to get her to put on some trucker cap or something because Fred Durst was at the festival. She refused. And then she made Jabba bleed.

I might have made that last part up.



2. Chrissie Hynde

Pretender? I hardly knew her!

No, it doesn’t make any sense, but roll with me on it. Or not.



1. Joan Jett

Joan Jett is so freaking cool that they’re making a movie all about how cool she is. What’s that you say? It’s starring Twilight’s Kristen Stewart?

…

Ah, shit.

Top 5 Macho Men of Rock

I've been meaning to post random Top 5 lists for ages, because I'll often be composing them in my head. I thought I may as well try to do some more blogging by subjecting you to this numerical misery. Enjoy!

Top 5 Macho Men of Rock

5. James Hetfield

The lead singer of Metallica, James would be higher up the list if not for that whole Some Kind of Monster thing, as well as the fact that he appears to be playing an effing banjo in this picture (???). But that said, even after he’s given up the booze and the hard-rocking lifestyle, his still a dude who leave in the middle of recording to go bear hunting. I know I wouldn’t want to mess with him. Oh, and also? He’s a giant.



4. Josh Homme

Hardest rocking ginger. Ever.



3. Henry Rollins

Sure, he doesn’t drink, smoke or do drugs. But that just makes him even stronger. Strong enough to kick your head in if you pissed him off…or at least say mean things about you in his spoken word shows. Henry’s pushing 50, and you can tell he’s feeling a bit self-conscious about it because he’s singing in shirt and pants now, rather than his trademark gym shorts. Surely, ‘tis the passing of an era.



2. Lemmy

It’s amazing that Lemmy is still alive after all the years of self-abuse he’s put himself through. But not as amazing as our next entrant…



1. Iggy Pop

Cutting himself on stage, rolling around in broken bottles, and generally absorbing every form of mind-altering substance known to man. For decades. And he still looks like a python ready to strike. Also, forget the fact that he’s the godfather of punk; he inspired the look of Peter Jackson’s take on Gollum! Pa-chow!

Dear Blog,

I am sorry for abandoning you. It's not your fault. Really it isn't. And it's not like things haven't been happening that aren't worth blogging about. I mean, my God, I blogged a crapload about the Justice League movie and nobody gave a fuck about that, am I right?

No, the truth is I just haven't been bothered. I've been working for the most part, but the times I haven't been working I just, well...haven't felt like writing. Which has made the fact that I've been writing a book a bit difficult.

Yeah, I've been writing a book. Another one. After flogging a dead horse with the last book for about five or so years I figured I'd get back on a different, living horse and give this whole "being an author" thing another crack.

And you know what? I actually finished the damn thing! It kind of helped that the last book I wrote was a 110,000+ word monster and this one was planned out as being a slim, fighting fit 50,000 word effort. I even came in under the word limit, which is kind of like coming in under budget, only there's no money involved and no one really gives a crap.

I've printed it off twice now to take it through the personal editing process, and I'm actually very happy with how it reads. This is a good thing, as I've actually had a real, honest-to-God publisher say they'd be interested in taking a look at it once it's finished.

So with that offer on the table, you can understand why I'd be devoting my time to trying to get this thing into shape, and why blogging would be a thing I wouldn't have the right mindset to get into, right? Right?

Right?

In any case, and in summation, no I haven't committed blogicide, but at the same time I won't be making any promises that I'll be changing my ways and becoming a multi-post blogger dynamo. I hope that's cool.

All the best,

That Guy.